#19

Crier Quotes

“God damn! This weave is itchy as a motherf**ker”
- Rapunzel

Speed Reads

New Poll Shows Majority of American Women Say Thickness, Not Size, of Pancakes More Satisfying

CINCINNATI, OH — After polling women exiting their local IHOP, researchers at Xavier University report a majority of American women prefer thickness to size when it comes to a pancake’s ability to satisfy. “There’s a lot of misconceptions about what women want,” said lead researcher, Dr. Carly Pileggi, “especially on the internet.” Women polled said it is all about managing expectations. “Look, if you walk in expecting to get served a big stack and all they have is silver dollars, yeah, that’s going to be a letdown. But, if the batter is good, the batter is good. No amount of size can make up for bad batter.” Seventy-two percent of women polled agreed that a short stack is nothing to be ashamed of, and 81 percent say when it comes to their long-term pancake intake, a thicker albeit shorter stack will keep them coming back for more. “Don’t get me wrong,” said one respondent, “a big stack looks great on Instagram and will make your friends jealous for sure, but many a time in my life, I have had a short stack and needed to stop after a while because it was too filling.” A bigger stack wasn’t completely ruled out, however, as 67 percent of women said everyone should experience what it is like to have a big stack at least once in their life. One woman told researchers she went through a phase in college where she would exclusively eat chocolate pancakes, but that was just to make her parents angry. Recalling the first time she saw a stack of chocolate pancakes, the woman said, “I couldn’t believe my eyes. I put my elbow on the table, and the stack ran the length of my entire forearm.” After a short pause of reflection and smile, she added, “sometimes, I’d have to unhinge my jaw just to get the whole thing in.” Dr. Pileggi hopes her research will shed light on the myths revolving around pancake size and give confidence to those serving up shorter stacks. After answering the pollsters' questions, a group of well-satisfied women sat in a corner booth, each lighting a cigarette.

Global Warming “Not All Bad,” says Penguin with Sweet Tan

GLASGOW, SCOTLAND - Rounding out the two-week climate conference Friday evening with his keynote address, Todd, a King Penguin, told world leaders to “chill out” on all the doomsday talk as the effects of global warming clearly are not all bad - citing his sweet tan as proof that some good can come from the ever-quickening deterioration of the planet. “I know, I know, rising sea levels, more powerful and frequent natural disasters, blah blah blah — but look at me — no, seriously — look at me — I’m glowing,” said Todd as he applied another coat of baby seal oil. “We only get one run at this little thing called life, and I’m not going to waste mine looking like a fresh tube of Colgate Complete - this is Toddy’s time. So, let the ozone completely disappear for all I care - I’m out here catching rays, looking like a bronze statue of Apollo himself, and ever since my cousin Sal got me that tri-fold reflector for my birthday, my sun-kissed buns have been fin deep in lady penguin.” At the conclusion of the conference, the paparazzo caught shots of Todd boarding a private jet to St. Barts with Leo DiCaprio, Barack Obama, Idris Elba, and Matt Damon, wearing a pair of Maui Jims, a Tommy Bahama button-down, and blasting “Margaritaville.”

Hero Cop Chases Black Suspect 26.2 Miles Across NYC

NEW YORK, NY — Basking in the adulation of thousands of cheering spectators, hero cop Mike Murphy was hoisted atop the shoulders of fellow officers after chasing down a black suspect 26.2 miles across all five boroughs last Sunday afternoon. The call came in at roughly 9:05 am as eyewitnesses said they saw waves of people running following the sound of a gunshot in Staten Island. Although just a rookie on only his second day on the job, Murphy knew he had to act quickly or risk letting the perp get away. Murphy recalls the suspect employing a serpentine evasion strategy but stayed in pursuit. The suspect was officially considered resisting arrest after numerous shouts by Murphy for him to “Freeze!” and “Stop right there!” were blatantly ignored. He knew this was his first big test to prove he was up to being a New York City cop, and he was not going to miss his shot. Things got hairy for Murphy after crossing the 59th Street Bridge as the gap between him and the perp widened. "Honestly, if it weren’t for the crowd cheering me on, I don’t know if I could’ve kept going,” said Murphy, “Don’t get me wrong, no officer puts on the uniform to hear the applause, but seeing all those smiling faces and knowing you’re doing everything in your power to keep them and their families safe - that’s what makes me proud to carry the shield." After 26 miles, the perp suddenly decelerated in Central Park – Murphy finally had his man. He lowered his shoulder and took the suspect to the ground, breaking three of his ribs. He forced the suspect's head to the pavement, dislocating his jaw, and popped the suspect’s shoulder clean out of its socket as he slapped the cuff on him. At press time, Murphy said he didn’t want to get ahead of himself but he heard whispers were floating around that the city would commemorate his heroism every year with a running of the same route he took that day. “There isn't anything set in stone just yet, but it sure would be nice to shut those snotty Tunnel to Towers punks up,” said Murphy, “but, hey, a guy can dream, right?"