#22

Francis Lightfoot -

Crier Quotes

“Yes, hi, do you have any extra-thick floss?”
- Michael Strahan

Feature

Economists Fear Consequences of Nearly 40-Year High in Inflation of Christmas Lawn Decorations

Via Marketplace.com/Amy Scott

BOSTON, MA - Economic research fellows at MIT have published a new report in Spreadsheets the Magazine warning Americans of a possible 40-year high in inflation of Christmas lawn decorations.

“It’s the middle class that gets hit the hardest when inflation of Christmas lawn decorations rise,” said lead researcher Paul Freed, “Wall Streeters and the top one percent can hire out a team to tastefully decorate for them, and it's no skin off their ass. They don't feel the real effect of tacky inflatable one-up-manship that hits main street. And you can forget the days of lining the gutter and calling it quits. The average man sees his decorating power consisting of a string of icicle lights and a door reef significantly diminished during times of rampant lawn inflation, such as we are seeing now.”

We spoke with local ironworker Bill Cunningham who told us his entire block has been consumed by the unprecedented rise of inflatables. “I drive past it every day on my way to work,” said Cunningham, “the Duffys, the McWilliams, the DiAngelos, each and every one of them suffocating under the weight of this inflation, and if I’m being honest, I'm afraid I won’t be able to keep up either. I got a wife and kids to think about, you know. It just takes its toll on a man.”

As the inflatables spread, Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell has called for the American public to remain calm, “Obviously inflatables are on the rise, no one is denying that fact, but we’re confident the next two weeks will be the worst of it. Come the new year, these inflatables will be gone," said Powell, a shakey hand pouring his fifth three-quarter full glass of scotch.

The jury is still out on how severe the effects of this level of inflation will be felt by working-class Americans. The question Mr. Freed and other economists are asking is how much longer the American middle class can continue to get squeezed before they rise in revolt.

*editors note*

Three days before the printing of this story, Bill Cunningham fell to the pressures of lawn inflation. He sold both kidneys on the black market to cover the cost of the following inflatable roof-to-lawn set up: Santa Claus in sleigh with reindeer, an active conveyor belt elf workshop, penguin slip-n-slide, air cannon powered Charlie Brown snow globe, candy cane forest, and nutcracker portch guards. All connected and synched to a string-light choreographed "Carol of the Bells" - a single tear streamed down his face as he climbed the ladder to his roof for assembly.

Miscellaneous

  • On Monday, dictionary.com announced its word of the year for 2021 is “allyship” - while its phrase of the year is “sooooooooooo I’m going to share my screeeeeeeeennnnn….. dah da dah da daaaaaah …… bear with me just one moment…. Hum hum huuummmmm…… never mind, it’s not working. I’ll send you an email.”
  • This week, president Biden issued an executive order committing the federal government to net-zero carbon emissions by 2050. The first step of which is to remove the fossils from congress.
  • A new LegalZoom survey reports more Millennials than ever are writing their wills. After writing their final will, a vast majority of Millennials reported feeling a renewed zest for life and an increased appetite for risk-taking after seeing how little they have to lose.
  • This week, Google released its most searched phrases list for this year. Coming in at number three in “how to be” searches was “how to be happy alone.” That search was followed shortly by “liquor stores near me.”
  • The removed statue of Robert E. Lee in Charlottesville, Va., will be melted down and converted into a public artwork. The Jefferson School African American Heritage Center, which is in charge of the project, said it will take a while to complete the work as it plans to melt the statue by tiki torch.
  • Barefoot Wine has partnered with Oreo to create a red wine that pairs with Oreo cookies. A spokesperson said the wine tastes like new roommates synching cycles.
  • A new international survey found Australians drink to the point of drunkenness more than any other nation by an average of 27 times per year. Surveyors clarified the level of drunkenness by asking Australians to count the number of times they’ve woken up naked spooning a kangaroo
  • Margaritaville announced its own cruise line that will sail out of Florida this spring. They’re calling it the Margaritaville at Sea Paradise cruise ship, but it goes by the call sign the USS Petri Dish.
  • Students at Arizona State University have petitioned against allowing Kyle Rittenhouse to attend classes with them due to safety concerns. To put their minds at ease, Rittenhouse said he promises beers will be the only thing on campus he shotguns.
  • Seattle start-up, Titan Casket, is looking to change the way we die by selling direct-to-consumer caskets online - allowing for more control in the way you go out. And, for customers looking for help to dig their own grave, they’ve hired Chris Cuomo.