#21

Francis Lightfoot -

‌Crier Quotes

"Do you have any smaller shirts?"
‌‌- Vin Diesel            ‌

Feature

Internal Documents Show Wolves Disproportionally Target Black Sheep

The Lede:

Released internal documents uncovered by an independently operated non-profit sheepdog organization reveal that while only making up 15% of sheep populations, black sheep account for 97% of wolf targets.

Tell me more.

The accountability organization Eyes Wooled Shut has been collecting evidence for years, but until recently they have not had a source to corroborate their findings. That was before whistleblower, codename “Aesop,” came forward with thousands of email correspondence dating over two decades that prove without a shadow of a doubt a concentrated effort to target minority sheep.

It's complicated. Roughly a decade back, under Bloomberg, wolf packs approximately quintupled their use of the controversial stop and fleece policy. The policy came under intense media scrutiny following a deadly stop and fleece altercation involving a pack of wolves and a young black sheep who they claim “fit a description.”

The case, Baa Baa Black v. The Department of Canis lupus, saw all five wolves acquitted on the basis of qualified immunity. Legal experts have called the handling of the case a “mockery tantamount to a kangaroo court.” The acquittal garnered national attention, and in typical fashion, The New York Post ran the one-word headline “Sheeriously?”

Following the verdict, flocks took to the pastures in protest. Some of the loudest Baaas have surprisingly come from white female sheep. Many black sheep have expressed concern for the tone of these Baaas and feel as though the white female sheep may be co-opting the movement for their own gain. Although they appreciate the support, most black sheep say they would prefer if the white sheep just took a back seat on this one.

But the real smoking gun is buried within Aesop’s leaked documents. An email chain directly implicating the commissioner. These emails outline in excruciating detail numerous operational grey areas carried out by the department’s undercover unit. A myriad of highly questionable sting efforts involves wolves in sheep’s clothing. Under the guise of friendship, these wolves lure black sheep away from their flock, where they are more susceptible to fall for a wolf’s deception.

What now?

Good question. We spoke with The Reverend Al Shepherd, who remains steadfast in his pursuit for justice. Although wounded by the documents' revelations, he is not shocked by them. Regardless, he said he will not quit until every member of the flock is allowed the freedom to graze unmolested “regardless of the color of one's coat.”

Brooks Brothers Announce New Line of McConnell-Neck Sweaters

Adorning the nation in fine fabrics since 1818, Brooks Brothers announced their new holiday line-up, including the first of its kind McConnell-Neck sweater. “We’re all really excited about this collaboration,” said lead designer Mark Fellows, “Mitch has been in congress for 37 years, and while seemingly accomplishing nothing, he’s crept his way to becoming one of the most powerful Republicans in the nation - a true embodiment of the mentality that slow and steady wins the race.”

The fabric is a cashmere-kevlar blend. The cashmere provides wearers with a delicate interior layer to comfort their tender, paper-thin skin: the exterior kevlar weave protects against predators. By design, the McConnell-Neck sweater runs large by three sizes more than a usual sweater enabling wearers to tuck inside quickly when frightened. “The real genius of this piece is the back,” said Fellows, “We had been playing with the concept of suede elbow patches, you know, to give it more of an educated, distinguished air, but Mitch, he came in like the renegade bad boy that he is and completely threw out the script. I had never seen anything like it. The patches were out, and Mitch pulled the entire look together with a hexagonal leatherback casing that is just . . . wow." While the McConnell-Neck won't officially hit stores until December 1st, pre-orders have already sold out in 39 states.

Miscellaneous

  • Dollar Tree announced it will be increasing prices on most in-store items to $1.25. The ominous twenty-five-cent increase leaves economists fearing we may soon see strippers come on stage shaking a cup.
  • A 74-year-old woman in Kentucky recently fulfilled her dream by getting a tattoo. The artist said, "Not only is she one of the oldest clients I've ever had - she's also the first to ask me to turn their buttcheeks into Hulk Hands."