#26

Crier Quotes

“Kaww Kaww Kaww”
- Larry Bird

Feature

Vladimir Putin Activates 100,000 Follicles for Mustache to Invade Upper Lip

Kharkiv, Ukraine — Eastern Europe and the world are on edge this week as rumors have begun to circulate that Vladimir Putin may be following in the footsteps of Hitler, Stalin, and Mussolini as he’s activated over 100,000 follicles at the vermilion border in preparation to invade his upper lip with whispers of a "false ‘stache” operation in the works. If carried out, the follicles would be given the green light for full tilt growth expansion into the region.

Professor of History at Ukraine’s Kharkiv University of Grooming, Andrei Shevchenko, fears for the end result of the current trajectory he sees the Russian leader on. “It starts with a little five o’clock shadow. No big deal, eh? Then stubble. With this, a collection of leaders may give a wag of the finger and a ‘that’s fine, but don’t go any further.’ And then one day, without warning, the entire area from under the nostrils to the corners of the mouth are engulfed.”

Press Secretary Jen Psaki took questions this week regarding what response President Biden is prepared to meet a possible full-scale invasion with. “In no uncertain terms, the President would have no choice but to employ a battalion of Army Shavers to restore a clean and sovereign philtrum.”

The Biden administration is also said to have already made contact via zoom with CEOs of Barbasol and Lockheed Martin to develop fiber-seeking cans to be deployed at a moment's notice.  

At the sending of this newsletter, eyewitnesses claim they saw multiple deliveries dropped off at the gates of the Kremlin containing a “concerning amount” of Bert’s Bees Beard Balm.

Miscellaneous

• According to a new study, people look more attractive when they wear a face mask. That story once again - according to a new study, most people are ugly.
• A lesbian bar in NYC is offering COVID tests on site. Patrons say getting the tests have been a much more pleasant experience because, unlike other providers, the staff knows how to hit the right spot.
• Monday’s College Football National Championship saw the Georgia Bulldogs beat the Alabama Crimson Tide 33 - 18. No one has stopped the Crimson Tide that effectively since Earl Haas when he invented the tampon.
• Beauty brands are hiring or buying technology companies that let customers virtually try on makeup. Users can cycle through the various makeup application difficulty settings that range from basic to catphish.
• The Red Cross is warning of a blood shortage. Leading the way, the organization says, is the copious amounts being spilled by Chicago teens.
• This Tuesday marked the official kickoff of the 2022 Girl Scout cookie season and the official end to your new year’s resolution.
• The department of justice is launching a new domestic terrorism unit, which means, God willing, we’ll finally lock behind bars whoever is responsible for gender reveals.
• After crashing down, a solo flyer was rescued off the tracks moments before an oncoming train hit the plane. The man’s survival of a plane crash followed by a train wreck gives all of us hope that we’ll survive the transition from Trump to Biden.
• Matt Gaetz’s ex-girlfriend testified to a grand jury this week as part of a sex trafficking investigation. Making her the only ex-girlfriend of Gaetz who can legally appear before the court without a permission slip.
• New smart guns are reported to be on the horizon. The guns will use fingerprint matching before allowing the gun to fire. The manufacturer said they decided on fingerprint matching after some truly unfortunate prototypes using Face ID.