#38

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"What's a girl gotta do to get a cigarette around here?"
- Shirley Temple

Features

Speed Reads

Department of Homeland Security Launches Governance Board of Stupidity

Washington, D.C. — In an effort to stymy the country’s recent proliferation of idiocy, Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas announced the department’s development of a small working group with the sole directive to monitor American stupidity. "We believe it is the government’s responsibility to be at the forefront of stupidity," said Mayorkas while addressing the press.

The new board is intended to standardize the department's efforts to respond to stupidity in the U.S, especially on the internet and social media platforms. So, if an agency under DHS identifies stupidity under its purview, it's the new board that would come up with the best practices and procedures for any DHS agency handling the stupidity.

The rollout caught immediate ire from lawmakers who accused the department of violating the American public's first amendment rights — calling the governance board an Orwellian dystopia come to life. "No, this is not a thought police agency. We have no intention of stopping the American public from being stupid, far from it. That’s what makes this nation truly exceptional. Without it, would we have cheese in a can, the milk crate challenge, or the monster truck derby? No, we wouldn’t. However, we do believe that if there is going to be a spread of stupidity throughout our great nation, we ought to be involved."

To put lawmakers at ease, Mayorkas reached out to both democrats and republicans to create a bipartisan stupidity task force that would work alongside the governance board. As of last Friday, Senators Ted Cruz and Elizabeth Warren were tapped by their respective party leaders to co-chair the task force — citing over a century of combined years of experience being idiots themselves. "If you want to stay ahead of an idiot, you have to think like an idiot, and there are no two people in this senate better equipped to do so than Senators Cruz and Warren," said Mayorkas.

Jacksonville Jaguars Release Fanbase to Free Agency

JACKSONVILLE, FL — In what is being hailed as the most compassionate move this offseason, the Jacksonville Jaguars announced this week they have released their fanbase to free agency: allowing the Jaguar faithful to freely choose a more successful franchise to support.

“We believe all fans deserve a chance to be happy. Simply being born in Jacksonville should not prevent someone from experiencing the joys of winning,” said Jags GM Trent Baalke.

The announcement comes off the back of three consecutive "rebuilding" years for the Jags and no sign of the scaffolding coming down anytime soon. "There’s an old saying," said Baalke, "If you love something, let it go. The entire Jaguar organization believes we’ve put the good people of Jacksonville through enough, and from the bottom of our hearts, we wish them the best of luck with their new franchise. Whoever they choose, we hope they can bring a trophy home to Jacksonville because lord knows we won’t."

At the printing of this newsletter, the entire Jaguar fanbase said they don’t plan on rushing the decision. Instead, they plan on taking the rest of the offseason to consider their options before committing to a more successful franchise.