#40

Crier Quotes

“Ideally, it wouldn’t be just me, we’d all be on roller skates, but that’s what gives me my edge.”
- Gwyneth Paltrow

Feature

President Biden Announces Plan to Combat Tough Times by Handing Poorest Americans Bootstraps to Pull Themselves Up By

The OVAL OFFICE — Addressing the nation from behind the Resolute desk Sunday afternoon, President Biden revealed his administration's newest initiative to help combat the tough times currently facing Americans by sending the poorest among us a free pair of bootstraps to pull themselves up by. “One of the things that made this country the greatest in the world is how, when faced with difficult times, everyday Americans answered the bell, picking themselves up by their bootstraps and pushing forward,” said Biden, “The problem today is no one wears boots anymore, see. It’s all sneakers and crocs and what the kids call ‘slides.’ You know, when I was a kid, slides were part of the jungle gym at the park. They were made of jagged, rusted metal, and on a hot July day, not unlike today, you’d go out and the sun would be beating down on the metal so that it was damn near glowing red, you see, and you and your buddy would go down until you’d singe the skin right off the underside of your legs to the point where you could smell the burning flesh as it flaked off, and that was what we used to call fun. I say all this not to brag but to show you the importance of a good sturdy bootstrap.” The president concluded his address by telling the nation that if the bootstrap strategy falls short, his administration's backup plan is to attach coattails to the nation's wealthiest and hold on for the ride.

Miscellaneous

• This week, the iPhone celebrated its fifteenth birthday, and people at Apple say it shows. This past Wednesday, Siri was overheard in CEO Tim Cooke’s office screaming, “You can’t tell me what to do. You’re not my REAL Dad!”
• In Canada, French’s released a ketchup-flavored popsicle called the Frenchsicle. A spokesperson for French’s said they decided to release the Frenchsicle in Canada instead of the US because it was important for them to make sure everyone who ingested it had guaranteed access to healthcare.
• Air New Zealand is introducing lay-flat beds to its premier and regular economy classes. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines has announced they’ll soon be introducing seats.
• A new study published in the British Journal of Sports Medicine says balance is the key to longevity. The study asked people to balance on one foot for 10 seconds. Those unable to were 84% more likely to have died than those who were. Researchers did say, however, that the test is not definitive as it has no way of predicting how either group would fair if struck in the chest with a harpoon.
• The 1985 blockbuster Back to the Future will premiere on Broadway in 2023. Because a lot has changed since the film first debuted, producers of the show said the hardest part of the adaptation was figuring out why, after experiencing life in the 50s, a straight white man would come back.
• NYC mayor Eric Adams said rat-proof trashcans will be installed around the city – “Finally!” said one resident of Sesame Street.
• Tomorrow is July 4th — a day when millions of Americans across the country will look into the night’s sky and be reminded of how they lost their hand.
• Spotify has launched a karaoke mode. The only snag among free subscribers is every third song they have to sing “O, O, O, O’Reilly . . . Auto parts.”
• Russian President Vladimir Putin fired back at western leaders after they mocked his shirtless photo ops, saying, “it would be disgusting” to see them try to emulate him. “Yeah, that would be awful,” said every Canadian woman imagining a shirtless Trudeau harvesting maple syrup.
• A hairless Chinese crested Chihuahua mix named Mr. Happy Face was crowned the world’s ugliest dog. Along with the title, Mr. Happy Face won an all-expenses-paid trip to the "farm upstate."