#42

Francis Lightfoot -

Crier Quotes

“Every year we swim with thousands of our kin upstream and wrestle whatever awaits us at the top”
- Anna Kendrick

Feature

“If You’re Going to Anyway, I’d Rather You Do It In The House” Say Cool Parents Handing High School Son AR-15

FLAGSTAFF, AZ — After stumbling on their son Ryan’s open laptop and reading the chatroom messages between him and a group called The Sons of Purity, local cool parents Martha and Paul Fullerton handed their 16-year-old his first AR-15 saying, “If you’re going to do it anyway, we’d rather you do it in the house.”

“I was your age once, too,” said Paul as he showed Ryan the proper way to quickly reload an extended-clip magazine without fumbling, “So, I know what you’re going through. Believe me, the things I drew in the margins of my notebooks during school could raise a few red flags in their own right. I just want to make sure you’re being smart about it.”

“Look, boys will be boys, you know,” Martha told us as she and Ryan sat at the kitchen island reviewing his hit list, “you can’t stop them from going out into the world and getting their hands on a semi-automatic killing machine to fulfill their radicalized agenda, so why fight it, right? We’d rather he do it here than get caught doing it at school. At least here, we’ll be able to keep an eye on him while he does it.”

At the printing of this newsletter, Paul and Martha were seen at Ryan’s computer checking his manifesto for spelling and grammar errors before sending it to the local paper.

Miscellaneous

  • In an interview with Allure, Kim Kardashian says her daughter North pranked her by making it look as if she was murdered. The scene was so convincing that housekeepers tried to call the authorities. Said Kim, “It’s funny now, but that’s the last time North will spend the day with Uncle OJ.”
  • A new discovery by a team of scientists may finally explain why the T-rex had small arms. The team says that the reason the T-rex had small arms was actually for survival advantages, and not, as it was previously believed, their obsession with “leg day.”
  • California has repealed its law against loitering for sex work purposes. This means in California, you can go anywhere, not just the airport, to wait around idly before getting screwed.
  • Condoleezza Rice has joined the Denver Broncos ownership group. The Broncos, who haven’t had a winning season in the last six years, said Rice should feel right at home considering her extensive experience working for a poorly run organization.
  • The superhero costume worn by George Clooney in 1997's Batman & Robin is up for auction. The costume is the perfect buy for anyone who’s ever wondered if they’re man enough to fill Clooney’s nipples.