#43

Crier Quotes

“It takes one to know one”
- Chris Hansen

Feature

Trophy Wife Concerned After Noticing Place on Mantel Taken by Autograph Ball of ’86 Mets

SOUTH HAMPTON, NY — Barrington Greenwald’s study was a master suite. A private library freshly paneled in crotch mahogany, heavy draperies, a floor-to-ceiling tapestry of Sandro Botticelli’s The Birth of Venus, a desk, purchased at auction, belonging at one time to Andrew Carnegie, and a wood fireplace. Sat atop the mantel above the fireplace, for as long as she could remember, was Greenwald’s trophy wife Alexis. One day, however, Alexis noticed the air in her husband’s study slightly eschew. Upon investigating, Alexis found something that would shake her to her very core. The place she’d occupied on the mantel was taken by a baseball, encased in glass, signed by the ’86 Mets.

“I, I don’t understand,” said Alexis as she stood gazing at the ball, “I thought we had something special. He’d take me down off the mantel, hold me in both hands as he sat in his leather recliner, and stare lustfully into my eyes like that monkey in Aladdin for the forbidden ruby. It was heaven. I was the object of his desire, the proof of his triumph over the universe and that b**ch of a 3rd wife, Carol. Me. You understand? ME!”

A wave of panic washed over her face as she began to think of the life that is to come. “What am I supposed to do, stand next to the photo of him and the County Executive shaking hands? He’s a local representative! It's Bulls**t!! I mean, give me a cabinet secretary or a senator. Then I’d at least be in the conversation. Hell, I’ll even take a [*gags*] supreme court justice.”

As her mind continued to race through each doomsday scenario, her knees began to tremble, and her upper lip quiver. With every passing thought needling deeper into her psyche, asking, what was it all for? “It used to be when his friends from the Polo Club or the Yacht Club would come by, he’d take me down and pass me around to each one of them, and after they all had their turn, he’d take me back and place me in my spot saying something like, ‘you don’t get one of these for coming in second,’ but now, all he ever talks about when he brings people over is that stupid ball and the ‘best years of his life’ or whatever. This is like so not fair.”

At the printing of this newsletter, a shiver ran up Alexis’s spine as she saw Barrington enter the study with a measuring tape, talking on the phone with a taxidermist regarding the 14-foot marlin he’d just caught.

Miscellaneous

• Actress Miriam Margolyes told the I’ve Got News for You podcast that Arnold Schwarzenegger farted in her face during a scene they were filming. Schwarzenegger says the story couldn’t possibly be true because if it was, she’d be dead.
• President Biden tested positive for COVID this week. The White House says the president is experiencing mild symptoms and will be just fine. “Damn, I just can’t catch a break,” said Kamala.
• A strip club in Rhode Island was robbed for $22,000 in $1 bills. Rhode Island Police say they’ll do whatever it takes to bring the thief to justice — “even if spending long, overnight hours at the club keeps us away from our wives and children.”
• The House of Representatives passed legislation that would codify same-sex marriage into federal law. Lawmakers said the decision was made on account that the government has no right to tell a man what to do with his body.
• A Doctor at Mount Sinai West in New York recently implanted a brain-computer interface in an ALS patient. The hope is the patient will be able to surf the web and communicate via email and text simply by thinking. The man’s family says the implant has made him very easy to read. For example, whenever his wife asks if an outfit makes her look fat, his irises turn to spinning wheels.