#47

Crier Quotes

“There's a moment. And it’s just a flicker of a moment. When you can see in a man’s eyes the realization that you’re the last person they’re ever going to see.”
- James Caan, unprompted

Feature

Florida Bans Schools From Teaching About the Existence of Seahorses to Prevent Young Boys from Getting Pregnant

TALLAHASSEE, FL — Calling the move essential in the battle against the leftists' mind-warping of America’s youth, Florida state legislators passed a bill early Friday morning barring K-12 classrooms from teaching about the existence of seahorses to prevent liberal educators from planting the seeds of pregnancy in the minds of little boys.

“Today we take back the right to what thoughts go into our children’s heads,” said the bill’s sponsor Rep. Joe Harding, “Little boys should not have to be indoctrinated with WOKE ideology delivered subconsciously via seahorse. They should be taught about seahorses when the time is right, when they’re fully developed and can make decisions on their own, not when they’re at such an impressionable age.”

The legislation quickly gained national attention and even prompted a response from the Biden Administration. “We vehemently oppose the decision made by Florida’s legislature and we stand with the marine community,” said Vice President Kamala Harris from the steps of the National Aquarium, “Our thoughts are with those students who are themselves or have seahorses in their family.”

At the printing of this newsletter, Florida state legislators were seen gathering at the state capitol to draft another bill; this time banning educators from teaching about the existence of kangaroos after receiving reports of a four-year-old boy pointing to a picture of the marsupial and asking his mother if one day he could have a pouch too.

Miscellaneous

• A new study suggests that spiders enter REM sleep and may even dream. As you’d expect, the study is titled, “Holy Shit These Fucking Things Can Dream”
• To raise money for wildlife, an ultramarathoner ran the width of Ireland. The man completed the run in 23 hours and 39 minutes - which is the record for both the shortest time spent running Ireland and the longest time spent in Ireland sober.
• An elite endurance runner was attacked by a coyote during a 150-mile race in California. After the attack, the coyote apologized to the man as it had mistaken him for a different road runner.
• A pack of wolves managed to escape the Greater Vancouver Zoo on Tuesday morning—with one wolf remaining unaccounted for. Authorities say to be on the lookout for the wolf, still at large, who they suspect may be disguised as a grandmother.
• According to a new report, due to weak tomato production, there could be a shortage of tomato sauce — But economists say there’s no reason to panic as two and a half years of COVID has already transitioned a majority of Americans to Vodka sauce.
• The CDC says dogs are at risk of contracting monkeypox after the first human-to-dog transmission was reported in France. The agency does acknowledge the risk is low considering transmission requires peanut butter.
• According to the Hollywood Reporter, an action Pac-Man movie is now in the works. The reviews are already in, “good acting, but the storyline goes in circles.”
• Ferrari is recalling models sold since 2005 over possible brake fluid failure. The news was taken pretty well by Ferrari owners, although, usually, when someone who owns a Ferrari sends an older model in for enhancements, it’s their wife.
• Dunkin' has teamed up with Goldfish for new Pumpkin Spice Graham Crackers. The perfect snack for when you want Goldfish but you “can’t even.”
• According to recruitment tech firm Yello, Southwest Airlines offers one of the nation’s best internships. What sets Southwest apart are the transferable skills interns gain during their time dealing with Southwest customers  — They say even if interns don’t get a full-time offer from the airline, they can easily land a job in hostage negotiation.
• 88-year-old Republican Senator Chuck Grassley is running for re-election in Iowa. In November, Grassley will be running simultaneously against Democrat Mike Franken and from the Grim Reaper.
• Snoop Dogg launched a breakfast cereal called “Snoop Loopz.” It’s the first cereal that comes with a bowl.
• Lyft announced a new division focused on providing advertising for customers and clients. The ads will target what Lyft users need most — friends.