#48

Francis Lightfoot -

Crier Quotes

“Sure, it’s nice, but I need a bra that really pops.”
- Janet Jackson

Feature

New Poll Indicates American Children’s Number One Summer Pastime Remains Looking Over Fence of Rich Neighbor Who “Doesn’t Even Use” Pool

HAMDEN, CT — As the summer officially comes to a close next weekend, a new Quinnipiac University poll indicates the number one summer pastime for American children remains looking over the fence of the rich neighbor who “doesn’t even use” their pool.

“It wasn’t even close,” said Quinnipiac University polling analyst Regina White, “Turns out there’s no substitute for staring longingly at a pristine body of water that you’ll never be able to jump into as infinite possibilities swirl in a serotonin-soaked fantasy world until your mom calls you in for lunch.”

We spoke to a group of American youths who told us that while they’ll never be able to live that life beyond the fence, it’s holding on to the dream that sustains them. “I tell you what, though, if I ever get a pool like that, I’d have everyone in the neighborhood over every day. And there would be trays of pizza bagels, and chicken nuggets, and buckets of French fries for all! And the Hawaiian Punch would be ice cold. And we’d play sharks and minnows, have relay races and chicken fights, and the summer would belong to us! Boy, wouldn’t that be a sweet life? One day, I tell ya. One day,” said a youth the others called Meatball. Then, looking off into the middle distance, he whispered solemnly under his breath, “but not today.”

Coming second in the poll was pulling on their mom’s arm saying “itssnotfair” when told they can’t get a Slip ’N Slide “even though you promised!” Followed closely by the third-place finisher — sprinting down the block to catch the ice cream truck screaming “WAIT FOR ME!” while frantically shaking dollar bills above their head.

At the printing of this newsletter, polling specialists at Quinnipiac said they were interested in seeing the results of their yearly back-to-school poll aimed at finding out what percentage of summer book reports had been copied and pasted from SparkNotes.

Miscellaneous

  • According to an NBC News poll, 53% of college students say they would probably/definitely not go on a date with someone who supported the other side in 2020. The other 47% of college students say probably/definitely want to get laid.
  • According to a Brookings Institution estimate, it will now cost $310,605 for married, middle-income parents to raise a child through high school. Which means couples who’re family planning will have to decide what’ll bring them more joy: raising a child through high school or a downpayment on a lake house and two jet skis.
  • Plunging water levels worldwide have revealed long-buried artifacts in Asia, Europe and North America this summer. In China, a drought and heat wave surfaced a trio of Buddhist statues believed to be 600 years old. In Spain, archaeologists have been delighted by the emergence of a prehistoric stone circle dubbed the "Spanish Stonehenge." And in the US, on the banks of the Potomac River, just outside DC, they found fossilized remains of congressional spines.
  • An Idaho man broke a Guinness World Record by using his nose to inflate 10 balloons in one minute. After breaking the record, the man excused himself from the room saying he “had a score to settle” with three little pigs.
  • Sylvester Stallone and Jennifer Flavin are reportedly splitting up for unknown reasons after 25 years of marriage. Said Stallone, “aughejust dought unngdesten AAAAAIIIDDDRIAAAAANN!!!!!!” … truly heartbreaking.
  • A woman in New Jersey rented a digital billboard to celebrate her daughter earning her doctor of psychology degree. The photo on the billboard is of her daughter but most people say they see a butterfly.
  • A new report shows an unexpected wave of Baby Boomer retirement from construction jobs are being filled by more women than ever before. Changes are already being seen — just yesterday, on their way to work, 3 men passing a construction site were told they “should bring that tight little ass around more often.”