#52

Francis Lightfoot -

Crier Quotes

"Growing up, I had seven pet iguanas. I buried all of them alive."
- Dame Judi Dench

Feature

Monster Rises Out of Seattle Planet Fitness Shower Drain Terrorizing City

SEATTLE — September 21st was a day like any other for residents of Washington’s Emerald City. That is, until a mutant sewer monster rose from its resting place within the drain pipes at a local Planet Fitness and began terrorizing the city.

Composed of loose hair and dead skin cells and held together by phlegm and the scum residue of Old Spice body wash, the monster hoisted itself out from its captivity. Once above ground, the beast claimed its first victims at the squat rack — witnesses told us they can still hear the screams of the first victim as he yelled: “I knew I should’ve skipped leg daaaaaaaayyyyyy!!!!”

The carnage would’ve continued had it not been for the shrieks of a mirror selfie-ing fitness influencer drawing the monster’s attention away. Liking what it saw, it slimed its way over to her and gripped her tightly in its hairy mitts. With its prize in hand, the monster quickly exited the gym and headed for the Space Needle.

Police opened fire on the creature as it marauded down First Avenue towards Pike’s Market, but the bullets had no effect. Instead, they ripped through the monster, hitting an unarmed black man.

The monster scaled the needle with ease and prepared for a showdown.

The Navy scrambled all available jets, local PD helicopters circled, and SWAT teams gathered on buildings adjacent. But with each passing attempt, neither bullet nor ballistic missile was able to weaken the goopy sludge titan.

They had exhausted nearly every piece of weaponry in their arsenal, and rumors on the ground began to spread of a possible nuclear option. “WAIT!” called a voice amongst the crowd, “I think I may be of some assistance!” The sea of bodies began to part as the voice pushed through the masses until face to face with the now in charge four-star Navy Admiral Bradley Smith Jr. The voice was Jeff Goldblum. He whispered into the admiral’s ear.

“I can’t let you do that, son, it’s suicide.”

“Damn it, man, there’s no time!” Implored Goldblum, as he gripped Smith by the lapels and shook him violently, “We need to act now, or else. Do you want these peoples' deaths on your conscience? HUH?! DO YAH?!”

As tears streamed down the admiral’s face, he knew what he had to do. Admiral Smith looked directly into Goldblum’s eyes and handed him the master coms, “Call it in.”

The plan was simple, loosen the fibers of the beast by blasting it with Draino cannons mounted to the hulls of eight helicopters. Then, as they sprayed the beast from above, the final blow would be delivered by a squirrel-suited Goldblum, snaking through the monster’s chest cavity.

The beast let out a great bellow, pawing its free hand in wild swats at the helicopters while keeping a firm grip on the still captive influencer. Its strength quickly dissipated under the chemical assault. The influencer was released from the monster’s viper grip, letting out a scream as she began her descent. It was here, either by design or divine intervention, that Jeff Goldblum cannoned through the monster's chest, snaking out its black heart. He made a b-line for the influencer, reaching her in the nick of time.

Back on the ground, the crowd erupted: a fervor of cheers and applause. The day was saved.

At the sending of this newsletter, Jeff Goldblum received the key to Seattle. He is expected at the White House tomorrow evening to accept the Presidential Medal of Freedom. The influencer struck a $10 million deal to recount her experience as a captive of the creature in a Netflix docuseries titled “Tangled Up in Goo.” Planet Fitness denies any responsibility and refuses to give anyone their money back.

Miscellaneous

  • Monday was “International Talk Like a Pirate” day. A day that’s all fun and games until you have to break the news that your patient has scurvy.
  • Last Sunday, New York's Giants, Jets, Mets and Yankees all won on the same day for the first time since Sept. 27, 2009. On an unrelated note, since Sunday there been several reported sightings of four unidentified horsemen.
  • This Thursday marked the autumnal equinox, marking the official start of fall. “THIS IS WHAT WE PLAY FOR!” Said white women on Instagram.
  • Vice President Harris is ramping up campaign road trips to turn out young voters. When asked why she was focusing her attention on young voters, Harris said, “because they’re the easiest to trick.”
  • Denver will provide 140 people experiencing homelessness $12,000 with no strings attached as part of a universal basic income test. The only question that remains is which of the city’s 6,888 homeless make the top 140.
  • The Las Vegas Aces are this year’s WNBA champs. During the postgame celebration, the team said they couldn’t have done it without the support of their fan.