#54

Crier Quotes

“‘Wrong Way’ - That’s a funny name for a street.”
- Caitlyn Jenner

Feature

Missing Firearm Found After NYPD Officer Enlists Help of Neighborhood Children

NEW YORK — Calling the incident “a real close one,” NYPD officer Tom Babbage wiped the sweat from his brow Thursday as a group of neighborhood children finally found his missing firearm.

“Third time this week,” said Babbage, “who knew these suckers would be so hard to keep track of. Thank god for those kids, though, otherwise, Cap would’ve been pissed.”

According to Babbage, he was walking out of his bookie’s when he spotted a Jimmy Johns loyalty punch card just beneath the sewer grate. “I couldn’t believe my eyes — it had nine out of ten punches. That means one sandwich buys two, how’s a guy supposed to walk passed that?” said Babbage. It was here, with his face pressed to the curb, tongue out, arm stretched as far as possible, middle finger wiggling just millimeters out of reach, that his standard-issue Glock 19 fell, clanging into the sewer. “I heard it drop, then I heard it discharge, then I heard what I think was a moan but it could’ve been the wind.”

Luckily for Babbage, his months of bribing neighborhood children with nude magazines and cigarettes were about to pay off. Within minutes he was able to pull together a team.

“So I told them, as soon as you find it, fire two quick shots in the air and I’ll come find you. I quickly realized that was a bad idea. I really should’ve said five shots. Do you know how many times two shots go off in this city? I was running all over the place,” said Babbage, “Then, finally, as I walked back to the precinct to fess up, I saw four 9-year-olds holding up a bodega. I took one look and thought, ‘Hey! I know that Glock!’ Those rascals. All's well that ends well, though, right?”

At the printing of this newsletter, Babbage was seen triumphantly entering a nearby Jimmy Johns.

Miscellaneous

• Friday was Russian President Vladimir Putin’s 70th birthday — “I wonder who this is from?” said Putin while stomping out a flaming bag of shit.
• Snoop Dogg launched a THC infused version of Funyuns. The combination is a classic case of killing two birds with one stoner.
• In a new survey, 60 percent of Americans say they’ve never cheated on a partner while in a relationship. Of the other 40 percent of respondents, 30 percent said that they had cheated in the past and 10 percent yelled “IT’S A TRAP.”
• Fortune Magazine ranked CVS President and CEO Karen Lynch the most powerful woman in business — Fortune says Karen climbed to the top by continuously asking to see the manager.
• Two teens were brutally assaulted on the New York City subway by a gang of neon green bodysuit-clad women. Those with any knowledge of the incident are urged to call the police — either city or fashion.
• Denmark's Queen Margrethe has stripped four of her eight grandchildren of their royal titles. The queen grandmother answered each of the four grandchildren’s calls following their removals with “oh, so you do know how to pick up the phone.”
• A little league baseball card of Mark Zuckerberg sold at auction last week. And this is interesting, on the back of the card under steals it says “personal data.”
• Katz’s deli releasing a NYC subway inspired sandwich. It’s tough to capture the taste of the subway, so they went for smell.
• The United States secured the release of seven American detainees from Venezuela in a rare prisoner swap with the country. “Must be nice,” said Brittney Griner.
• The NFL Players Association reportedly fired the neurotrauma consultant that cleared Tua Tagovailoa to go back to the field after a head injury. The neurotrauma consultant stands by the decision, however, saying “I did what I thought was best for my fantasy team.”