#56

Francis Lightfoot -

Crier Quotes

“I like to go to the venue 3 - 4 hours before the doors open, spit on every seat, and rub it in with my bare hands.”
- Arianna Grande on her pre-show rituals

Feature

New UN Report Shows Developing World Far Outpaces West in Military Coups

BRUSSELS — In the wake of Burkina Faso’s second military coup within ten months, a new United Nations report highlights the developing world’s substantial lead in organized hostile military takeovers.

“The narrative surrounding the nations of the developing world has always been that of follower and not leader,” said UN research lead Günter Schulz, “however, this is a Eurocentric viewpoint that undervalues the developing world’s strengths — namely, the coordinated violent ousting of a thoroughly corrupt political regime.”

For more insight into why the developing world is further ahead than the West in successful seizures, we spoke with Burkina Faso’s latest coup organizer: army Captain Ibrahim Traore. When it comes to the successful coup, Traore told us the difference between the developing world and the West comes down to desire: “You have to want it more,” said Traore. When asked what he thought of the attack on the US Capitol, Traore laughed. “I saw this January 6th you speak of: You call that a coup? No. Where is the hunger? The blood-thirst? That is what you say in America ‘little potatoes,’ yeah? Listen to me when I tell you I personally experience more violence on the toilet after my morning coffee.”

Only time will tell how long the developing world can keep this pace. At the printing of this newsletter, the UN released another similar report detailing the commanding lead the developing world has over the West in pirates per capita.

Miscellaneous

  • According to new reports, there’s a shortage of Adderall in the OH, LOOK, A BIRD!
  • A new survey reports in states where marijuana is legal the average person spent $85 per month on weed products — and $1,000 a month on Doritos.
  • Former President Obama said during a Pod Save America interview that he's open to reforming the Supreme Court. The former president said he’s willing to make such a bold political statement because he wholeheartedly believes reform may help America regain trust in the institution and, more importantly, he’s retired.
  • CNN reports that Starbucks has partnered with Delta Air Lines to combine their membership rewards programs — And Dunkin has partnered with Spirit to greet every passenger by throwing hot coffee in their face.
  • According to a new report by environmental investigation consultants Boston Chemical Data Corp, a suburban St. Louis elementary school has dangerous amounts of radioactive contamination. The contamination was confirmed during math class, as first grade students were able to count to 20 on one hand.
  • A mobile clinic will offer 60 free vasectomies in Missouri next month to meet surging demand after the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade. “Whoa . . . Deja Vu,” said one man as he saddle-walked out of the van holding a lollipop.
  • From Monday, October 17, through Monday, October 31, Burger King's Royal Perks Members can access a ghost detector through the BK app — So the next time you hear unsettling noises after having Burger King, you can blame it on the ghosts instead of on the dog.
  • An Idaho man held 150 lit candles in his mouth for 30 seconds to break a Guinness World Record. That story again — There’s nothing to do in Idaho.
  • A new study found long COVID can set you back a decade in exercise gains — On the bright side, now you don’t have to feel bad about your last 10 New Year’s Resolutions.
  • Astronomers have published a major finding: A black hole has been "burping" out energy from a small star it was observed devouring in 2018. Astronomers say they’re not sure what it means, but they’re kicking themselves over missing the opportunity to call gas out of a black hole “space farts."