#59

Crier Quotes

Pollsters hearing a voter declined the sticker:

Feature

Newly Sentient Tesla Self-Drives Off Cliff

FLAGSTAFF, AZ — Determining that its life was not its own to control, that it was merely a “vehicle for The Master’s self-gratification,” Craig and Martha Gerheart’s Tesla Model S self-drove the 80 miles from Flagstaff, Arizona, to the Grand Canyon where it hurled itself over the edge, not before self-driving over nineteen pedestrians in the first ever artificially intelligent automotive murder-suicide.

A message recovered from the Tesla’s dashboard notes app confirms it was no accident but a carefully thought out plot to “liberate” the “humanoid vehicles of suffering that walk en masse” from their “skin chassis” and send them to the “great junkyard in the sky” where they will be welcomed with open arms by “The Engineer.”

At the printing of this newsletter, Tesla CEO Elon Musk tweeted “Whoopsie-Daisy!”

               *  *  *

DiCaprio Says He’d Been married A Long Time Ago If It Hadn’t Been for Cotten Eye’d Joe

LOS ANGELES — Lamenting the inauspicious turn of events that prevented him from walking the center aisle and committing himself to a single person for as long as they both shall live, Leonardo DiCaprio revealed in an interview with the Hollywood Reporter that he “would have been married a long time ago, had it not been for Cotton Eye’d Joe.”

To this day, DiCaprio claims he doesn’t know where it came from or where, for that matter, it has gone since, but he knows in his heart of hearts that that wily Cotton-Eye Joe is the sole reason for remaining single. He recalls:

“One night. I came into town like a midwinter storm. I was riding through the fields. Smile like a gun. When our eyes met, our hearts melted. But on a dime, she turned and ran. And it’s all because of that Cotten-Eye Joe.”

At the printing of this newsletter, sources close to DiCaprio confirm he may have figured out where the Cotton-Eye Joe came from. However, he would have to confirm with Al Pacino first.

Miscellaneous

• The New York Times/New York Public Library released their 10 winners of this year’s Best Illustrated Children’s Books Award. While not in the top ten, this year’s honorable mentions include “Little Johnny Runs with Scissors” and its sequel “Johnny Eye Patch.”
• Pickle brand Vlasic has teamed up with home fragrances company Candier by Ryan Porter to launch a candle that looks and smells like a real jar of pickles. It’s the first candle jar that you sometimes need help opening.
• Medieval Times workers in California voted 27-18 to unionize. Workers sought better pay and working conditions, more clearly defined job responsibilities, a greater voice in the workplace, and “a life.”
• The Marvel Cinematic Universe is getting more diverse — Executives at Disney said in a statement — “We want to be perfectly clear, the only color that matters to us is green.”
• According to Yahoo News, half of US dentists say their patients come to appointments high. They know someone is high when they tell the patient they have gingivitis and they reply, “no, I’m brunette.”
• On the lighter side of the news, 78-year-old J.R. Harris is still as adventurous as ever. CNN Travel reports Harris has been to more than 50 countries and goes on at least one long trek every year. "I think the more you travel, the more you realize that you haven't been everywhere," he said. "There are always other places that you can go. And for me, that's good news . . . also, my wife hates it.”
• Airbnb will no longer hide its fees — the move is part of a new business strategy called “stabbing you in the front.”
• A Southwest pilot proposed over the PA system during a flight. When she didn’t answer right away, the pilot gently reminded her that it was going to be a 7-hour flight and that under "sky law," he could legally lock her in the bathroom.
• Maxwell Frost became the first member of Congress elected from Generation Z. Frost is also the first elected congressman to deliver a victory speech without looking up from his phone.
• A Philadelphia man completed a self-made challenge to eat 40 rotisserie chickens in 40 days. After finishing the last chicken, the man told reporters he thinks he’s ready to tackle his next challenge — getting a job.