#64

Francis Lightfoot -

Crier Quotes

“They’ll never give me credit, but I’m telling you, I wrote The Itsy Bitsy Spider.”
- Bernie Sanders

Feature

Millennial Congressmen Propose Blowing on Bottom of America Then Putting It Back In

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Standing arm-in-arm on the floor of the House of Representatives, a bipartisan group of Millennial Congressmen introduced a proposal to reboot a stalling nation from the pressures of economic inequality, gun violence, racism, disinformation, and climate change by simply taking the country out, blowing on the bottom of it, and putting it back in.

“We understand that sometimes the nation gets stuck. Usually, a good smack on the side does the trick. But we have been looking at the same thing for two years, and nothing has changed,” said leading millennial Rep. Sara Jacobs, “Now, we’re not idiots. We obviously know we’re running the risk of losing our current progress and starting from the beginning, but when is enough enough?”

At the sending of this newsletter, the congressmen were overheard through hushed voices discussing a possible “nuclear option” in which they’d unplug America and then plug it back in.

Miscellaneous

  • Researchers successfully diverted lightning using a high-powered laser. The team’s lead researcher said he came up with the idea of laser diversion shortly after getting a cat.
  • The son of Evel Knievel, Robbie Knievel, passed away at the age of 60. In accordance with his will, Kinevel’s ashes will be scattered over 16 school busses
  • Greta Thunberg was hauled away by police at a German coal mine protest this week. The climate activist and other demonstrators were detained and later released by police yesterday after protesting the demolition of a village to allow for the expansion of a coal mine. While the village remains on track to be demolished, Thunberg says she “still got some good press out of it.”
  • The New York Times published an op-ed penned by an American who had lived in China and praises the effect of Chinese censorship and authoritarianism on her children there, she wrote, “Raising kids in China was a plus in other ways — such as the heavy censorship, which results in a kid-friendly internet, and national limits on how many hours young people can spend playing online video games. Ironically, the tight control of the Communist Party surveillance state results in its own kind of freedom." After publishing the article, the Chinese government agreed to release her.
  • A new study says Viagra helps you live longer as it decreases the risk of developing heart disease. So you can add “heart” to the list of things Viagra helps pump.
  • For the first time in over 60 years, China reports it’s experiencing a decrease in the number of children being born — or as it's known in China, a labor shortage.

Shameless Plugs

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