#71

Crier Quotes

“You guys mind if I get in on this?”
- Brutus

Feature

To Comply With “Swissness” Law, Toblerone Will Stop Asking Where Customer Money Comes From

GENEVA — In the wake of legal action by the Swiss government against the chocolate maker for violating the strict criteria for “Swissness,” Toblerone announced plans to satisfy the “Swissness” law by no longer asking customers where the money they used to purchase the chocolate came from.

“There’s nothing more Swiss than accepting heaping sums of money without asking where it comes from,” said Toblerone executive Peter Grossman, “and we’d like to honor that tradition. Let me be clear. We’re not looking to make any waves here — we’re more than happy to just fall in line with other things the Swiss accept — the likes of human traffickers from the Philippines, stock exchange bribers from Hong Kong, billionaires who order the murder of their Lebanese pop star girlfriend, executives who looted Venezuela’s state oil company, the Nazis, and of course, the Vatican.”

So far, members of the Swiss government appear to view the change favorably  — with many speculating they may reinstate its “Swissness” status. Although, some say that Toblerone isn’t going far enough. “Personally, I think they could be doing much more,” said Director of Swissness enforcement David Stärkle, “just off the top of my head . . . I don’t know, maybe they place the chocolate inside some kind of secondary or tertiary casing, a “shell” casing if you will, to conceal the chocolate’s location. But that’s just off the top of my head.”

At the printing of this newsletter, Toblerone announced all purchases of its chocolate must be made using bearer bonds.

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So Close! Tucker Carlson Says Whole Trump Text Thing Could’ve Been Avoided Had He Just Added “Jr.”

NEW YORK — Lamenting the exposure of text messages between himself and other members of Fox News in which he said “we are very, very close to being able to ignore Trump most nights . . . I truly can’t wait . . . I hate him passionately,” Tucker Carlson said the media shitstorm that followed could’ve all been avoided had he just added “Jr.” after each time he mentioned Trump. “Two letters. I was two letters away from being completely in the clear on this,” said Carlson, “everyone can get behind hating Don Jr. That's a no-brainer. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.”

Miscellaneous

• At a Staten Island restaurant, the chefs are a rotating group of grandmothers. Popular menu items are “when are you going to bring home a nice boy?” And “eat, eat, you’re skin and bones.”
• The first Yellowstone grizzly bear has emerged from hibernation. Witnesses say the first thing the bear did was take a big deep breath in, exhale, and whisper “beach season, baby.”
• According to data from restaurant platform Toast, California tips the least on average of all 50 states — the data proves that socially, Californians are Democrats, but fiscally, Demacheaps.
• Facebook owner Meta is exploring plans to set up a new social media platform in an effort to topple Twitter. Meta is exploring the option due to the lack of alternatives in the space — currently, they said, the only competition to bring down Twitter is Elon Musk.
• A passenger on a United Airlines flight was arrested after he tried to stab a flight attendant with a spoon and open the emergency door mid-flight. United called the incident horrifying — While Spirit called it “Wednesday.”
• Arkansas Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders has loosened child labor laws in the state, making it easier for workplaces to employ minors without strict regulations. Governor Sanders said the move to make it easier to hire children is the first step in an economic development plan — the next step is building the state’s first Chinatown.
• A new study found that happiness rises with income—even accelerating at levels beyond $100,000 per year up to $500,000 per year. The study’s findings were originally hard to decipher as they were announced by a mouth full of champagne.
• Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell was being treated Thursday for a concussion and is expected to remain in the hospital for a few days after he tripped and fell at a hotel dinner. While McConnell took a hard knock to the head, doctors say his shell skull is intact.
• Archaeologists have found the earliest direct evidence of horseback riding in 5,000-year-old human skeletons — Archaeologists say they knew the human remains must’ve ridden horses because right next to the bones were 5,000-year-old assless chaps.
• According to the New York Times, companies are now turning to personality tests to help determine which employees should work from home or the office. The quiz asks employees to answer “always, sometimes, or never” to questions like “Is it ever okay to microwave salmon?”
• SNL could be headed for a post-production editors’ strike by the end of the month. It was reported in Variety that a group of 12 to 20 editing crew members—who edit the pre-filmed segments— are planning to walk out if their demands for a new contract are not met by April 1. Below is Lorne Michaels’s response to their demands:

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