#8

‌Crier Quotes

"C'mere girl, lemme nibble on your ear."
‌‌- Mike Tyson

Feature

Robe Found in Gov Cuomo's Wardrobe Accused of Inappropriate Conduct by Movers

The Lede:

A loose fitting velvet garment with slightly discolored and crusty front flaps was found hanging in the governor's wardrobe Saturday morning. As boxes were hauled to the curb, the robe made its move.

The hunter becomes the hunted.

It was around 10AM when Sal Giordano, owner of Albany's Sicilian moving company, Gumba Roombas, first discovered the robe. The unmistakable Cuomo family crest (two hands "cupping") was embroidered in gold stitching on the front pocket, and across the belt, it read "Govern This." A forensics team's blacklight later confirmed the robe belonged to the former governor.

Giordano told us the robe had a presence like a tractor beam. As he got closer, he started to hear whispers asking him if he'd ever "put on an older robe before?" and if he wanted to, he could "feel around in [its] deep pockets." Before he knew what was going on, Giordano said he was standing in the mirror draped in the robe's velvet embrace - he'd somehow become undressed.

What were the robe's intentions?

It is unclear at the moment. Giordano claims he made no indication that he was interested in the robe, and that he was only there to "do his job," but the robe insists that it slips its sleeves around everyone and therefore it did nothing wrong.

Charts and Graphs

Sometimes words aren't enough.

Miscellaneous

• This week, a video of the tip of the Washington Monument getting struck by lightning went viral. According to the Washington Post, the monument gets hit roughly once every five years. The Post's report dates back to the first time lightning struck Washington's tip in 1748 when he lost his virginity.
• In a new memo, United Airlines has reminded employees not to restrain unruly passengers with duct tape per their safety guidelines. Meanwhile, Frontier Airlines released a memo announcing they will reward unruly passengers with a free one-way ticket to Afghanistan.
• Thanks to the persistent meowing of her cat, an 83-year-old woman in Cornwall, England, was rescued from the bottom of a revine. In an interview afterward, the cat told the BBC that she got the owner help because if her owner is going to die, "it will be at my hand."
• Moderna is set to begin trials of an mRNA vaccine for HIV - the company said the HIV vaccine will be the first of its kind to be administered by sharing a needle.
• This week, Elon Musk introduced a humanoid robot - the "Tesla Bot." Musk said the bot is designed so that you can "run away from it" and "most likely over power it." In an unrelated story this week, a young girl named Sarah Connor was born.
• A class of eighth graders in Massachusetts are leading a push to pardon a woman wrongly accused of being a witch in the 17th-century. The students are advocating for the pardon by arguing "if the cloak don't fit, she ain't a witch."
• Papa Johns is bringing back the Shaq-a-Roni pizza - and just like last time, if you eat an entire Shaq-a-Roni pizza, Papa Johns will reimburse you the cost of the ambulance. There have also been rumors that Papa Johns will soon introduce the Payton Pizza - which they say will be 90% forebread.