Francis Lightfoot

We've moved to Beehiiv

Hello Criers, We've moved to Beehiiv! If you didn't receive this week's issue, you may have to go to your promotions or spam folders to find us. To make sure we land in your primary folder, add our new email address to your contacts

#74

Crier Quotes “Every night, until I was about twelve, I used to dream I was trapped in an elevator with Nicholas Cage.” - Joe Jonas Feature “It’s How He Would’ve Wanted to Go” Says Family of Man Crushed by Vending Machine CHATTANOOGA, TN — Services were held Friday and

#73

Crier Quotes “I own a variety of bronze statues depicting Shakespearean scenes played by toads.” - Willem Defoe Feature False Alarm: White House Security Confirm Intruder Just Kamala Harris WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House Security staff was placed on high alert this week only to learn it was a false

#72

Crier Quotes “I’ve never lost musical chairs.” - Rosa Parks Feature After First Week of NCAA Tournament, George Santos Reports Bracket Still Perfect WASHINGTON D.C. — Before the tournament began, the odds of picking a perfect bracket were 1 in 9,223,372,036,854,775,808. As the

#71

Crier Quotes “You guys mind if I get in on this?” - Brutus Feature To Comply With “Swissness” Law, Toblerone Will Stop Asking Where Customer Money Comes From GENEVA — In the wake of legal action by the Swiss government against the chocolate maker for violating the strict criteria for “Swissness,

#70

Crier Quotes “WOOLY BUUUUUULLLLLYYYYY!!!!!!! WOOLY BULLY, WOOLY BULLY, WOOLY BULLY, WOOLY BULLY!” - Michelle Obama Feature Attending Awards Show, Will Smith Asked to Check Hands at Door BEVERLY HILLS, CA — Appearing for the first time at an awards show since the Oscars, Will Smith was asked to check his hands

#69

Crier Quotes “I’ll usually go for a walk in the late afternoon, find a good spot to lay down, and trace and outline of myself in chalk. Then I call the police.” - Sean Bean Feature Haunting: Hamster Realizes He's a Replacement GETTYSBURG, PA — In a truly

#68

Crier Quotes “It’s such a nice day, John, let’s put the top down.” - Jackie Kennedy Feature Still Sharp as a Tack: President Biden Pins Himself to Corkboard WASHINGTON, D.C. — Gathering members of the press in the oval office this week for a demonstration, President Biden put

#67

Crier Quotes “I’ve been doing this for quite some time, and from everything I’ve seen, the black ones are always better than the white ones. They’re more versatile.” - Jim Nantz on neckties Feature Ashton Kutcher Stands Awkwardly Next to Casket in Photos to Dispel Any Rumor

#66

Crier Quotes “Ugh, again with these f*ckin’ people.” - Punxsutawney Phil Feature Dr. Phil Ends Show Announcing He'll Return to Home Planet LOS ANGELES — Dr. Phil announced this week that he will end his run of original episodes this spring and return to his home planet shortly

#65

Crier Quotes “Believe it or not, most of my piercings are below the waist.” - Lenny Kravitz Feature Co-Ed Sports League Provides Local Man Opportunity to Showcase Dark Side to New Girlfriend INDIANAPOLIS — Standing over a bloodied co-ed Sunday softball umpire and berating him with a litany of obscenity-laced death

#64

Crier Quotes “They’ll never give me credit, but I’m telling you, I wrote The Itsy Bitsy Spider.” - Bernie Sanders Feature Millennial Congressmen Propose Blowing on Bottom of America Then Putting It Back In WASHINGTON, D.C. — Standing arm-in-arm on the floor of the House of Representatives, a

#63

Crier Quotes “Okay, perfect, now don’t move.” - Madame Tussaud Feature Tom Brady Says He Looks Forward to End of Season When He Finally Gets Put Out to Stud TAMPA BAY — During a press junket before Monday night’s Wild Card clash against the Dallas Cowboys, Tampa Bay Buccaneers

#62

Crier Quotes “It’s me.” - Mario Speed Reads New Year Has Significantly Deeper Voice After Ball Drop NEW YORK, NY — Visitors to New York’s Times Square reported a significant change in the base of the New Year following last weekend’s ball drop. “This is completely normal for

#61

Crier Quotes “Happy Birthday, Jesus” - Judas Feature Rudolf Thanks “B*tch A** Haters” in Hall of Fame Speech NORTH POLE — It was anything but a silent night Saturday evening at this year’s Holiday Hall of Fame induction ceremony as Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer delivered a speech thanking all

#60

Crier Quotes “I don’t stop until I see blood.” - Jason Mamoa on sharpening pencils Feature After Losing Runoff, Herschel Walker Challenges Raphael Warnock to Swim or Bike Off ATLANTA — Doing his best to understand the American political system, Herschel Walker concluded his concession speech in this week’s

BREAKING NEWS

Disguised as Turkey, Trump Receives Pardon from Biden WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what many are calling the okey-doke of the century, former president Trump pulled off the ol' switcharoo this week as we are now learning that during the ceremonial pardoning of the national turkey, it was not Chocolate

#59

Crier Quotes Pollsters hearing a voter declined the sticker: Feature Newly Sentient Tesla Self-Drives Off Cliff FLAGSTAFF, AZ — Determining that its life was not its own to control, that it was merely a “vehicle for The Master’s self-gratification,” Craig and Martha Gerheart’s Tesla Model S self-drove the 80

#58

Crier Quotes “Twelve” - Kesha on the number of raccoons she’s drowned Feature In Final Push Before Midterm Election, Dr. Oz Reminds Pennsylvanians of Experience Shamelessly Lying to Millions on National TV HARRISBURG, PA — In his final attempt to sway voters before Tuesday’s election, Dr. Oz reminded Pennsylvanians

#57

Crier Quotes “If I ever get pulled over, I flash a little nip and they usually let me go.” - Danny DeVito Feature After Forgetting Orange Slices, Mom Demoted to Assistant to the Team Parent DANBURY, CT — In the wake of three successive losses, all by second-half collapse, the U8

#56

Crier Quotes “I like to go to the venue 3 - 4 hours before the doors open, spit on every seat, and rub it in with my bare hands.” - Arianna Grande on her pre-show rituals Feature New UN Report Shows Developing World Far Outpaces West in Military Coups BRUSSELS

#55

Crier Quotes “The first time I met John Malkovich, I was nervous. The second time I met John Malkovich, I was in the back of a squad car.” - Edward Norton Feature Shocking New Report Indicates Your Home’s Tiny Jeff Bezos May Be Listening, Recording, Reporting Back WASHINGTON — Calling

#54

Crier Quotes “‘Wrong Way’ - That’s a funny name for a street.” - Caitlyn Jenner Feature Missing Firearm Found After NYPD Officer Enlists Help of Neighborhood Children NEW YORK — Calling the incident “a real close one,” NYPD officer Tom Babbage wiped the sweat from his brow Thursday as a

#53

Crier Quotes “Ranch” - Bryan Cranston on what he brushes his teeth with Speed Reads Government Announces Plan to Apply Deodorant to New Jersey TRENTON, NJ — In an attempt to quell the devastating impact of climate change and reverse the decades-long narrative that the state is essentially the armpit of

#52

Crier Quotes "Growing up, I had seven pet iguanas. I buried all of them alive." - Dame Judi Dench Feature Monster Rises Out of Seattle Planet Fitness Shower Drain Terrorizing City SEATTLE — September 21st was a day like any other for residents of Washington’s Emerald City. That

#51

Crier Quotes “Do you know who I am!?” - The Muffin Man Feature Airbnb Announces Plan to Prevent Unauthorized Parties by Sending Over Greg from IT to Teach Dungeons and Dragons SAN FRANCISCO, CA — According to an announcement made Tuesday, Airbnb launched a new initiative to prevent guests from abusing

#50

Crier Quotes “I’ve performed in front of thousands of adoring fans, but there’s no greater rush than shoplifting.” - Adele Feature Woman “Quiet Working” Earns Promotion, Raise, Stock Options BOSTON — It’s never easy going against the culture, but local woman Susan Walcott has done just that by

#49

Crier Quotes “Launch a projectile at a man’s genitals, he’s famous for a day. Teach a man to launch projectiles at his genitals, he’s famous for a lifetime.” - Johnny Knoxville Feature Proof of Alien Visit? New Research Suggests Human Civilization Not Advanced Enough to Invent Toblerone

#48

Crier Quotes “Sure, it’s nice, but I need a bra that really pops.” - Janet Jackson Feature New Poll Indicates American Children’s Number One Summer Pastime Remains Looking Over Fence of Rich Neighbor Who “Doesn’t Even Use” Pool HAMDEN, CT — As the summer officially comes to a

#47

Crier Quotes “There's a moment. And it’s just a flicker of a moment. When you can see in a man’s eyes the realization that you’re the last person they’re ever going to see.” - James Caan, unprompted Feature Florida Bans Schools From Teaching About

#46

Crier Quotes “Texture is one of the most valuable senses when it comes to food. That’s why I eat with my hands.” - Celine Dion Feature FBI Confirm Boxes Taken from Mar-a-Lago Raid Filled with Used Fast Food Wrappers MAR-A-LAGO — Early Monday morning, FBI agents executed a search warrant

#45

Crier Quotes “No, I never had any formal training. It just came naturally to me.” - Steve Harvey on seducing the elderly Feature Penguin RandomHouse to Launch Books on Video NEW YORK —  In an effort to keep pace with the changing times, publishing Goliath Penguin RandomHouse has officially launched a

#44

Crier Quotes “Honestly, I never think about it, but then again, that’s why they made fences.” - Nancy Pelosi on poverty Feature Russian Officials say They’re Holding Out on Brittany Griner Trade for Higher Draft Picks MOSCOW — Carefully assessing their options and the relative value of up-and-coming prospects,

#43

Crier Quotes “It takes one to know one” - Chris Hansen Feature Trophy Wife Concerned After Noticing Place on Mantel Taken by Autograph Ball of ’86 Mets SOUTH HAMPTON, NY — Barrington Greenwald’s study was a master suite. A private library freshly paneled in crotch mahogany, heavy draperies, a floor-to-ceiling

#42

Crier Quotes “Every year we swim with thousands of our kin upstream and wrestle whatever awaits us at the top” - Anna Kendrick Feature “If You’re Going to Anyway, I’d Rather You Do It In The House” Say Cool Parents Handing High School Son AR-15 FLAGSTAFF, AZ — After

#41

Crier Quotes “I always wanted to be called ‘Ace.’ It’s such a cool nickname. Like, you’d be walking around town and people would be shouting to you like ‘hey, what do you say, Ace’ and ‘sweet ride, Ace’ and ‘love the new shades, Ace.’ But no, people just

#40

Crier Quotes “Ideally, it wouldn’t be just me, we’d all be on roller skates, but that’s what gives me my edge.” - Gwyneth Paltrow Feature President Biden Announces Plan to Combat Tough Times by Handing Poorest Americans Bootstraps to Pull Themselves Up By The OVAL OFFICE — Addressing

#39

Crier Quotes “I’m a firm believer that there are no rules. That said, I would strongly advise against attempting a seafood Turducken.” - Bobby Flay Feature Timothée Chalamet Officially Stakes Claim to Hollywood Throne After Removing Sword from The Rock LOS ANGELES — Residents of Los Angeles rejoiced this weekend

#38

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes "What's a girl gotta do to get a cigarette around here?" - Shirley Temple -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Features Speed Reads Department of Homeland Security Launches Governance Board of Stupidity Via DHS [https://www.dhs.gov/allieswelcome]Washington, D.C. — In an effort to stymy the

#37

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes "Surprise!" - Bill Cosby -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature Study Finds Dragging Finger Across Throat Still Best Death Threat DALLAS, TX — Crunching the final numbers after four years of fieldwork, researchers at Southern Methodist University concluded that dragging a finger across one's throat is still the

#36

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes "Most people don't know this about me, but I can use my feet like hands." - Lady Gaga -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature Around the Horn Sometimes, a week goes by so packed full of storylines it is hard to keep up with everything. Because of

#35

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes "Aaaaragghahahravassshhvgargrunddregggrhdaaaa!" - Arnold Schwarzenegger -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature Confusion Leads to Arrest as Man Exposes Himself at “Bottomless” Brunch SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Responding to a call shortly after 11:15 AM Saturday morning, police arrested local man Doug Geffen for exposing himself to fellow patrons and

#34

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes “Oh — Don’t be such a little b*tch about it, Adam” - Eve -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature Watchdog Group Warns of Corruption as Guy Fieri Prepares to Celebrate Silver Jubilee as Emperor of Flavortown Via KOMO NEWS [https://komonews.com/news/local/welcome-to-flavortown-celebrity-chef-guy-fieris-ghost-kitchen-launches-in-seattle] The Lede: On th

#33

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes “I know it’s the national anthem, but I really need to tie my shoe.” - Colin Kaepernick -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature Boston Salts Streets in Expectation of Record 12 - 36 Inches of Vomit on St. Patrick’s Day Photo by Skyler Gerald [https://unsplash.com/@skylargereld?utm_

#32

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes "You know, it wouldn't kill you to say thank you every once in a while." - Mother Teresa -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature Local Parents and Toddler at Stalemate in Bed Time Negotiations Photo by Rohit Farmer [https://unsplash.com/@rohitfarmer?utm_source=ghost&utm_

#31

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes “Gotta keep them pimp hands strong, baby.” - Bill Nye -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Speed Reads Fireball Whiskey Announces All Purchases Will Come with Complementary Card Suggesting Other Bad Decisions Photo by Prabhavanth Chilukuri [https://unsplash.com/@prabhavanth?utm_source=ghost&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=api-credit] / Unsplash

#30

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes “Yeah, yeah... They “stopped” producing quaaludes in ’85, but if you want, I can get some for you.” - Hillary Clinton -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Speed Reads Driver Receives Key to City as Bus Runs on Schedule Photo via Go!NewYork [https://gotourismguides.com/nyc/getting-around-new-york-city-by-bus/]NEW YORK, NY -

#29

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times, damn it, I DON’T HAVE AN EXTENDED WARRANTY!” - Alexander Graham Bell -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature Fashion Industry Takes Stance Against Belts after Report Details Years of Complicity in Domestic Violence Via B&H

The Wednesday Wire

2.9.22 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We're nearly 72 hours into this week and there's already a lot to talk about. Here are the top stories making headlines halfway through the week: * On Monday, Spirit and Frontier Airlines announced a multibillion-dollar merger. Executives at both airlines said the

#28

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes “Well, you just tell that little b**ch I’d rather die than give her another cent in alimony." - Mickey Mouse -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature Local Dad Shows Support for Team USA by Watching Luge Fully Reclined furnitureacademy [https://www.furnitureacademy.com/recliners-bad-back/]GRAND RAPIDS, MI -

The Wednesday Wire

2.2.22 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Only 72 hours into this week and there's already a lot to talk about. From groundhogs to gorillas, here are the top stories making headlines halfway through the week: * February 1st ushered in the year of the tiger - which many say is a

#27

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes “Wait, I could’ve just said I was Catholic?” - Anne Frank -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature Breadsticks Heard Laughing Maniacally After Ruining Entire Family’s Appetite Olive Garden [https://www.olivegarden.com/menu/breadsticks/prod840053]PARAMUS, NJ — A cold chill ran down the spines of the wait staff at

#26

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes “Kaww Kaww Kaww” - Larry Bird -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature Vladimir Putin Activates 100,000 Follicles for Mustache to Invade Upper Lip Kharkiv, Ukraine — Eastern Europe and the world are on edge this week as rumors have begun to circulate that Vladimir Putin may be following in the footsteps

#25

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes “Here you are, Your Highness. 12-year-old scotch - Just the way you like.”‌‌ - Ghislaine Maxwell -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature One Year Later, Dick Cheney Says He's "Deeply Disturbed" by GOP Leadership Not Including Him in Jan. 6 Insurrection © Getty ImagesWashington D.C. — Standing shoulder

#24

Editor's note: Apologies for missing yesterday. We were about to publish this issue, but right before we could click send, a dog barked at us for help getting a boy out from under a collapsed coal mine, and it really took up a lot of our afternoon. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

#23

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes *Exhales* “Jesus F*ck, you weren’t kidding - this angel dust kicks like a mule." - Martha Stewart -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Features NFL to Coax Unvaccinated Players by Calling Vaccines “Steroids for Your Immune System” Catalina Fragoso-USA TODAY SportsNEW YORK, NY – Citing the need for multiple games

#22

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes “Yes, hi, do you have any extra-thick floss?” - Michael Strahan -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature Economists Fear Consequences of Nearly 40-Year High in Inflation of Christmas Lawn Decorations Via Marketplace.com [https://www.marketplace.org/2019/12/06/how-inflatable-holiday-decorations-took-over-the-front-yard/] /Amy ScottBOSTON, MA - Economi

#21

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ‌Crier Quotes "Do you have any smaller shirts?" ‌‌- Vin Diesel            ‌ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature Internal Documents Show Wolves Disproportionally Target Black Sheep The Lede: Released internal documents uncovered by an independently operated non-profit sheepdog organization reveal that while only making up 15% of sheep populations, black sheep

#20

‌             ‌ Crier Quotes “That’s a nice beak. I wish I had a beak like that. All I have are these stupid thumbs.”‌‌ - Charles Darwin -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New Variant Escapes Lab of Man Doing His Own Research MOBILE, AL — Plumes of smoke billowed high in the azalea city sky as a

#19

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes “God damn! This weave is itchy as a motherf**ker” - Rapunzel -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Speed Reads New Poll Shows Majority of American Women Say Thickness, Not Size, of Pancakes More Satisfying Photo by Eyes Closed Cooking [https://eyesclosedcooking.com/blog/the-secret-to-fluffy-pancakes-every-time] CINCINNATI, OH — After polling women exiting

#18

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes “Let me tell you something, Jack, say what you want, but I can play the devil out of the spoons.” - Joe Biden -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature Time to Bury All the Hatchets Kevin C. Cox/Getty ImagesThe Lede: Across the country this week, American's tuned in

#17

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes “Shouldn’t you guys have brought two sleeping bags?” - Sacagawea -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature Alaska Localities to Install "Bear Lanes" The lede: According to an Alaska Wildlife Troopers press release, a 500lb brown bear mauled a man biking along the Jack River. Rocked by the latest

#16

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes “No. Pepsi is not ‘OK,’ I want Coke.” - Pablo Escobar -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature List of DeManchins Kevin Lamarque | ReutersThe Lede: This week, Democrats said they were closing in on a deal to chop President Biden's Build Back Better bill down to a package that will

#15

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes "Make your own damn sandwich” - Susan B. Anthony -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature Connecticut Woman’s Thumb Accused of “Green Face” After Garden Is Revealed to Be “Just Okay” Photo by Katya Austin [https://unsplash.com/@katya?utm_source=ghost&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=api-credit]

#14

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes "As long as it's thick, I wouldn't worry about it." - Dr. Phil -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature After Falling, Woman in Nursing Home Gets Up Unassisted by Senior Seniors Correspondent Art Pepperdine The Lede: Ask anyone at the Rose Hill Assisted Living Center

#13

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes "There's cab fare on the dresser." - Al Sharpton -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature Gov. Abbott to Rethink Abortion Law After Finding Out Texas Has Fallen Behind Oklahoma in Per Capita Executions The lede: Between 1976 and 2020, the Lone Star State has posted a measly

#12

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes “None for me. I’m a vegetarian” - Genghis Khan -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature Don't Hate the Player - Hate the Game The Lede: Well, it looks like it's that time again. This week, the National Toy Hall of Fame announced its finalists for this

#11

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes "What else would you use a melon baller for?" - Hannibal Lecter -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature President Biden Reveals His Six-Prong COVID Strategy is Actually Him Wielding Two Tridents The Lede: Triumphantly standing at the edge of the Atlantic Ocean, President Joe Biden announced that his six-pronged

#10

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes "Does anyone else hear that?" - Marco Polo -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature The Kids are Alright The Lede: A new study suggests the pandemic has been associated with significant weight gain among American kids. What are people saying? The response to the report has been a mixed

#9

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes “Little closer …. Liiiiiiiittttlllleee closer…” - Lee Harvey Oswald -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature Fountains of Shame The Lede: Citing multiple instances of harassment and psychological trauma, neighborhood renowned Stacy's Mom has decided to take legal action by filing for a restraining order Wednesday afternoon - Her legal team

#8

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ‌Crier Quotes "C'mere girl, lemme nibble on your ear." ‌‌- Mike Tyson -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature Robe Found in Gov Cuomo's Wardrobe Accused of Inappropriate Conduct by Movers The Lede: A loose fitting velvet garment with slightly discolored and crusty front flaps was found hanging

#7

Crier Quotes “Whatever happens, no taxidermy.” - Lassie Feature White Wedding Finds Rhythm The Lede: Neither jug nor banjo was on the premises at the reception of the McCoy-Bennington wedding, and yet, the all white affair still managed to tack down the ever elusive “beat.” Even, to the surprise of

Free Issue

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes "WWWAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUUPPPPPPP" - Ted Bundy -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature IKEA to Introduce Minotaur to Give Customers Immersive Labyrinth Experience The Lede: IKEA’s Chief Innovation Officer, Twvig Erikson - direct decendent of Leif and second cousin once removed of Mary-Kate and Ashley - arrived on the shores of

#6

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes “I’ll see you f*ckers in hell!!” - Amelia Earhart -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature Not All Heroes Strap On Capes The Lede: Are you on the fence about getting the vaccine? Are you a pathetic piece of scum that needs to be punished? Does Dr. Fauci demanding tighter

#5

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes "If anyone asks, I'll tell 'em I didn't see anything." - Stevie Wonder -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature Man Fights Off Intruders Wearing “Meat Claws” The Lede: Resident dad and self-proclaimed “grill master” Dan Higgins slashed his way into local folklore Thursday night

#4

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes "God, this play is so boring. I wish someone would just blow my brains out." - Abraham Lincoln -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature Cancel Shark "Attacks" Photo by Alex Steyn [https://unsplash.com/@alexxasteyn?utm_source=ghost&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=api-credit] / Unsplash

#3

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crier Quotes “Give it to me straight, Doc - It’s jaundice, isn’t it?” - James Earl Jones -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature Awkward Silence “Powered Through” as Coworker Meets College Roommate - Leads to Unlikely Bond The Lede: A tale as old as time. A song as old as rhyme.

Feature: Fitfluencer Takes Day Off

The Lede: Holding a press conference on Instagram Live in the atrium of The Muscle Factory, model/brand ambassador/spiritual life coach/certified nutritionist/ordained minister Jake Stone expressed with a heavy heart his decision to “rack the weights” for the next twenty-four hours. A decision he hopes his “community

#2

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature Man Finally Acquires Enough Tickets to Purchase Top Prize at Dave & Busters … But at What Cost? The Lede: As tickets spewed out the mouth of a giant bass, tears streamed down the face of Alan Markawitz - he had finally done it. The gallery of family and

#1

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feature: Star of Pampers Commercials Checks Into Rehab The Lede: Marc Antonio Rodrigo Hereda Chavez Guadalupe-Hidalgo was his name: pull-ups were his game. By the tender age of 27 months he had booked gigs with Gerber, Phillips AVENT, Fisher-Price, and graced the cover of Forbes's 30 under

Sound Bites: Who’s singing “I’ve Got You Under My Skin”

Agent Smith, in a sit down interview with our Tech Editor Kim Bowers, as more and more Millennials and Gen Z populate The Matrix. Highlights from his interview below: > It was never a question of if, but when - we all knew that - but the recent acceleration of

Feature: Theft from Above

The Lede: "People in Anchorage, Alaska, are clutching their groceries even tighter these days as hungry ravens have reportedly been robbing them of their purchases in Costco's parking lot," reports Eat This, Not That! What are residents saying? Residents are worried to say the least. Alaskan

The Commentators: Dee Dee Pickins, Chef Lang, Richard Thickbush

Every month, The Town Crier asks three notable figures across various professional spheres to weigh in on a selected topic. For this edition, we asked about Getting Things for Free. Dee Dee Pickins “They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch - but I beg to differ.

Sound Bites: Who Has Us Brushing Up on Our Sign Language

The NYC Walk/Don’t Walk Sign on 73rd and Columbus, in a sit-down interview with our hyper-local correspondent Mike Williams, over how he feels his work is under appreciated. Highlights from the interview below: > You have any idea what it’s like to watch thousands of people look

Feature: Bingo Hall Melee Injures 37, 1 Dead

by Senior Seniors Correspondent Art Pepperdine. The Sunshine Gardens Retirement Community collided with the Cedar Oaks Assisted Living Center in a knock-down drag-out brawl. Not since the Canasta incident of '94 - when three were slain over a skipped turn and an alleged pocketed ace - have we seen

Feature: Plot to “Blow Up the Internet” Foiled by … The Internet

The Lede: A Texas man failed in his attempt to “blow up the internet” after authorities learned of his plot by visiting the website “MyMilitia.com.” Let’s start with…. why? In the man’s own words, it was an attempt to “bring down the oligarchy.” Although, some are drawing

Feature: 30,000 Bananas Sign Petition to No Longer Be Classified as “Berries”

The Lede: At a rally outside city hall, close to 50,000 bananas and banana allies protested the administration’s current designation of the fruit as “berries.” What are people saying? The crowd of nearly fifty thousand chanted in unison “No Justice, No Peel!” outside the chambers of city hall