BREAKING NEWS

Disguised as Turkey, Trump Receives Pardon from Biden

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what many are calling the okey-doke of the century, former president Trump pulled off the ol' switcharoo this week as we are now learning that during the ceremonial pardoning of the national turkey, it was not Chocolate and Chip, as originally expected, but it was the former president dressed in a turkey disguise.

“Old, Slow, Sleepy Joe never saw it coming, never had a clue. Probably still doesn’t have a clue,” said Trump to a stunned group of reporters as he peeled off his feather facade like a Scooby-Doo villain, “I tell you what, I had him a Gobble-Gobble. That’s what I said to him. Gobble-Gobble. The two most unmistakably turkey words. And he ate it up. Ate it up with a spoon. Gobble-Gobble. Just like that. A few wing flaps for good measure, but it’s all about the Gobble. Need a good Gobble. And I have the best Gobble. That’s what people tell me. They come up to me in the street, and they say ‘Don, I’ve never heard a Gobble like that.’ And I say to them what I say to everyone, I say, ‘That’s why they call me Butterball.’”

At the printing of this newsletter, the former president was seen basting himself in victory on the White House lawn.