Feature: 30,000 Bananas Sign Petition to No Longer Be Classified as “Berries”

The Lede:

At a rally outside city hall, close to 50,000 bananas and banana allies protested the administration’s current designation of the fruit as “berries.”

What are people saying?

The crowd of nearly fifty thousand chanted in unison “No Justice, No Peel!” outside the chambers of city hall as protesters raised signs that read:

“I’m not your berry”

“Nobody puts banana in the corner”

“The song wasn’t B-E-R-E-R-E-Y”

“I may be a fruit, but let’s get this straight”

and

“No one’s ever shoved a ‘berry’ up anything to see how it feels - see the difference?”

“It all starts with the name for me,” says Kyle, a banana ally since “as far back as he can remember” - “Unlike their so called brothers ‘blue,’ ‘raz,’ and ‘straw,’ they don’t end in ‘berry,’” he continued after choking back a swell of emotions, “shouldn’t that mean something?”

Regina, another ally, told us “Its not just form, its function,” adding “How many Mario Kart races have been won throwing lingonberries? None. The answer is none.”

Peter, a 47-week-old banana who has struggled with bananadysmorphia his entire life, had this to say - “When was the last time you saw a bear peeling a banana? I mean, what the hell does that tell you??”

Will the administration listen?

It’s hard to say at this point. Protestors took to the streets eight years back to no avail, but this time things feel different. The support for the movement has never been higher, and organizers say the’ll take to the streets as long as they have to in order to see the change that is needed.